Have you ever been so badly hurt by your mate or someone else you didn’t know if you could ever forgive them? It may have been done accidentally or on purpose. Perhaps they haven’t apologized. Maybe they continue to say or do the same thing. What if it gets to the point where you no longer want to forgive? Poison spreads within you that robs you of all peace and joy. You become critical and negative, distrusting and bitter. You feel trapped because you think the offense is just too much to forgive. That’s a lie. So is the lie behind the lie: they don’t deserve to be forgiven, instead they deserve to hurt like I am hurting. “They need to earn my forgiveness, but I’m not going to give it.”
Satan is the epitome of bitterness and revenge. He promotes unforgiveness wherever possible by reminding us of past hurts, magnifying present issues and focusing our thoughts on ourselves and our pride. Unforgiveness is a great tool of bondage that Satan uses whenever possible. The only antidote is forgiveness, that is our only way of victory. If Jesus can forgive us everything, how can we withhold forgiveness from those who have done far less to us? It’s been said that a good marriage is the union of two good forgivers and that is very true. That’s true of friendships between those who aren’t married as well.
God commands us to forgive (Colossians 3:13; Ephesians 4:31-32), so if we don’t, we are disobeying Him. He is so serious about it that He says He will forgive us the same way we forgive others (Matthew 6:14-15; Luke 6:37). When we forgive, we are freed from bondage, for unforgiveness is a leading cause of demonization (Ephesians 4:26-27). Forgiveness reflects Jesus in our lives and is a beautiful testimony to others (Ephesians 4:32).
Jesus had some very strong, sober words to say about those who do not forgive others (Matthew 18:32-35). He commands us to forgive 77 times (Matthew 18:21-22). There are many reasons for this. One is that unforgiveness is one of the most direct ways of opening one’s self to demons (Ephesians 4:26; 2 Corinthians 2:10-11). This is especially true in marriage.
Forgiveness is not easy to do. Often, we think it means saying that what was done to us is OK, or that we aren’t going to think about it anymore. We may feel like we are letting them off the hook for what they have done. “They don’t deserve forgiveness.” Ture. No one deserves forgiveness from Jesus, yet He gives it freely. Understanding what forgiveness means is important for us to be free.
Anger is a secondary emotion, used to cover pain. When we hit our thumb with a hammer, we feel pain but we react in anger because that’s an easier emotion to express. In order to forgive, though, we must admit and confront the pain we feel when others wound us. Our pride wants revenge, to hurt them back – but then we are trapped in unforgiveness and bitterness. Forgiveness is a mental choice, not an emotional feeling.
Forgiving means giving up your right to hurt the other person back because they hurt you. Forgiveness has a price – you give up your right to revenge, to see them hurt for hurting you. That’s what Jesus does when He forgives us!
Instead of covering pain with anger, turn your hurt over to God in prayer. You need to do it over and over, each time you remember the pain. If not, it will turn into anger and unforgiveness. Rely on God’s power to help you handle the pain in a healthy way. Experience the hurt so you can move beyond it. Often times making a list of past hurts, from your mate or others, is the first step to forgiveness. Make sure you have forgiven those in your past: parents, those in past relationships, friends and enemies. Until you do, you’ll be in bondage.
Forgiveness is not a quick emotional switch in your heart, it takes time to heal and move on. It is a process that must be repeated each time the painful memory comes back. Gradually the pain will lesson and be gone. When it tries to come back you cannot allow it to stay.
Remember how God has forgiven you. Think about what Christ did for you on the cross and recall His mercy to you in so many ways. Ask Him to help you forgive through the power of His love. We can forgive the unforgiveable in others because God has forgiven the inexcusable in us.
When someone sins against you, forgive them immediately, even while they are still committing the offense. Even if they are doing it unintentionally, forgive immediately. Don’t wait for them to apologize or admit their wrong. Forgive as quickly as you except God to forgive you. If not, your prayers will be hindered and evil can gain access to your life.
When this happens in marriage reach out to your mate immediately. Withholding love is a form of revenge and shows forgiveness has not been given. Forgiving means treating them as if the offense never occurred – the same as God forgives you. By forgiving others for having hurt us we can let go of the painful past and create a healthier relationship. That’s important in marriage as well as in all relationships in life. Learn to forgive. Forgiveness is a very important tool we all need to learn to use and use regularly.
When you think of forgiving those who have hurt you, does God bring anyone to mind? If so, make sure you have forgiven them, and continue to do so each time the hurt returns. Make sure there isn’t anything you haven’t forgiven your mate for. If you need their forgiveness please ask them right away.
cto Rev. Dr. JERRY SCHMOYER
Christian Training Organization
Jerry@ChristianTrainingOrganization.org
(India Outreach, Spiritual Warfare, Family Ministries, Counseling, World View)
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